By M.J. Frost
(Editor’s Note: I’m pleased to feature an article by new GuyFromCNY contributor M.J. Frost. May this be the first of many – The Guy)
President Donald J. Trump may have leaked additional, highly classified materials to Russian officials, a senior source revealed to GuyFromCNY.com on the condition of anonymity.
“You can rest assured that many of the things that Americans have long embraced as uniquely ours are now firmly in Russian hands, where they will be used against us at the earliest opportunity,” said the source who, for purposes of protection, will be referred to only as “James Comey” in this story.
Trump immediately went to Twitter to defend his actions saying. “It’s my right to share secrets if I feel it necessary. I’m a sharer. The crooked Democrats are withholders. It’s why they lost the electoral college. Losers!”
He followed with “We need good relations with our allies. Like Coke, I want to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. So do the Russians. They just need Coca Cola’s formula to do it. Done!”
Among the other military secrets revealed, GuyFromCNY has learned, is Colonel Harland Sanders’ secret recipe. Officials now in charge of his secret organization, code named “KFC,” ordered every outpost on lockdown upon learning of the breach.
The Colonel’s formula is one of the closest guarded secrets in American intelligence and could have devastating cultural and financial effects with the information in the hands of a competing power like former Russian agent Bluto, who is now believed to be in league with Sanders’ arch nemesis Popeye.
To his credit, the President does seem aware of Sanders’ important contributions. “The Colonel has been doing some great things. A lot of people are starting to notice,” Trump said, apparently unaware that Sanders has been dead since 1980. “I also think he would have been a much tougher opponent than crooked Hillary. Too bad the DNC torpedoed his chances. Bad Move!”
White House spokesman Sean Spicer could not be reached for comment. We are informed that he is feeling bushed.
“James Comey” suggested to GuyFromCNY that Trump and the Russians may also have shared detailed information regarding the special sauce featured in the McDonald’s Big Mac.
“The Russians gave that to us, actually.” said White House spokesperson Kellyanne Conway, who filled in for Spicer. “It’s Russian dressing, essentially.”
Conway’s remarks were quickly challenged by several broadcast news outlets, who pointed out that the “secret sauce,” which was publicly revealed by a McDonalds executive in 2012, is a mixture of mayonnaise, relish, paprika, mustard, onion powder, garlic powder and white wine vinegar. “Russian dressing,” by comparison, is a mix of mayonnaise and ketchup and, reporters reminded Conway, was actually invented by American James Colburn in Nashua, New Hampshire, in 1910.
“Fake News!” shot back President Trump, in a subsequent Twitter tantrum. “The failing New York times CNN would have you believe that Russian dressing was invented in America. I guess Taco bell isn’t Mexican either?”
It was previously reported that Trump may also have leaked the New York Jets’ secret playbook for the 2017 season to his Russian guests. White House officials have sharply denied that allegation, suggesting that the source of that leak was an unnamed member of the New England Patriots’ front office.
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