The White House today pushed back, forcefully, on FBI Director James B. Comey’s claims of an ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s contacts with Russian agents during the 2016 Presidential Campaign. In a stunning refutation of Comey’s testimony, which the FBI director delivered in an open session before the House Intelligence Committee, the President claimed that he could prove Comey was lying because the foreign power under investigation, Russia, does not exist.
“Comey lied, and I can prove it!” The President tweeted. “No evidence that Russia exists. It’s just not there. No such place. Fake news!” He followed this, moments later, with “So called ‘Russia’ made up by Democrats to cover for their terrible loss. Supposed to win but lost! Sad!”
When asked for clarification, press secretary Sean Spicer said “The President has spoken on this and I think he has been perfectly clear. The justice department investigation is entirely spurious as it based on a false premise. There can have been no collusion with Russia because, and this is important, there is no Russia.”
When asked whether the President was seriously denying the existence of the largest country, by land mass, on the planet, Spicer became visibly agitated. “All I can tell you is this. The President has access to far better intelligence and information than you or I, and that is how it should be. The President assures me, and I have no reason to doubt him, that this supposed country, which stretches from Finland to the Bering Sea and occupies one eighth of the inhabited land mass of the planet, is nothing more than a barren wasteland. It is, in fact, a deserted, lifeless region home only to ferile nomadic peoples, 3 to 5 million of whom were recently shipped to America to boost Mrs. Clinton’s popular vote tally.”
Spicer then abruptly yielded the podium to the, newly minted, secretary of education, Betsy DeVos, present to unveil a “new and improved” world map, pictured below, which will be rolled out to all public schools this fall. It notably, does not feature Russia.
In response to these latest, eye raising claims, presidential counselor Kellyanne Conway took to the airwaves, appearing on NBC’s “Today.” “I don’t think the President was saying that Russia definitely isn’t there, he just meant that there is no reason to believe it is there. I mean why should we believe it just because the crooked media tells us it’s so? I’ve never actually seen it. Have you?” When reminded that Matt Lauer had, in fact, hosted coverage of the 2014 Sochi Olympics in Russia, Conway responded by saying “La, la, la, I can’t hear you! ” and reflexively began endorsing Ivanka Trump products.
President Trump has searched far and wide for support of his new assertion but, thus far, help has been hard to come by. Though reports of the “Russham” have been growing in frequency on Fox News, it was largely left to former Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin to support the President’s claims. “Ya know, I marched right out to my backyard and took a good look,” she said, “and, guess what? I couldn’t see Russia anywhere.”