In an effort to regain his “diplomatic mojo” after several high-profile embarrassments, President Donald J. Trump has taken it upon himself to plan the entire itinerary for Chinese President Xi Jinping’s upcoming visit to the United States. This, unprecedented action is designed to prevent the visit from becoming “boring.”
“He’s a powerful man. He needs to be shown a good time.” The President stated. “He’s Chinese. I’ve eaten at a lot of Chinese restaurants, so I understand his culture. This is gonna be the best visit! The greatest!”
In consultation with cultural sensitivity advisors Stephen K. Bannon, Kellyanne Conway and Stephen Miller, the President has designed what he describes as “a real good time.” Attention is being paid to every detail, he says, in order to “roll out the red carpet for the Chinaman.”
Sources confirm that the President has been drilling his secret service agents on stopping the car, getting out, switching seats and resuming motion as quickly as possible. “They call it a Chinese Fire drill.” the President said, “But I bet my guys can do it faster than his. America First!” Reportedly the agents have been practicing this skill at least 6 hours a day for the last week. “We’re gonna do it at every stop light.” the President stated. “He’s gonna love it!”
“Then we are going to stop off at this laundry I know. For a family reunion.” When asked what family Jinping, the leader of the most populous country on earth, has at a Florida laundry, the President looked confused, “He’s Chinese, right? They’re Chinese too. ” Asked if he thought that assumption might be culturally insensitive, Mr. Trump replied, “Hey there is nobody more sensitive than me. Anyone will tell you that.”
“So after the laundry, we’re off to dinner at the Panda Express. Love their food, you know. Then it’s time for some sport. Steve-O there” the President said, indicating Mr. Bannon, “plays a mean game of Chinese Checkers. I’m confident, he’s going to beat them at their own game.”
When advised that Chinese Checkers is not, in fact, Chinese but Germanic, Trump turned to his advisors and said “Is that true?” After a moment of whispered consultation Stephen Miller, visibly red in the face, stated. “I think you will find that the President’s assertions in this matter are 100 percent correct and his judgement will not be challenged!”
“Then, after the game,” the President said, “we’ll see how things go. We might play some Ping-Pong or, if we’re too tired, we’re gonna settle in and watch a Kung Fu marathon. I’ve got the whole series on DVD.”
Asked when they would get to the delicate business of negotiating the nation’s, somewhat strained, relationship with the People’s Republic of China, a rival nuclear power and fierce economic competitor, Trump waved it off. “We’ll get to that,” he said. The President then detailed his negotiation icebreaking plans. “For the first half hour,” Trump said, “anything that Jinping says, anything at all, I’m just gonna shout out ‘in bed’ after he says it! That should really loosen things up.”
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