Frustrated with the slow progress in implementing his legislative agenda and intent on satisfying a key campaign promise, President Donald J. Trump announced today an unusual strategy aimed at “dismantling the Administrative State.” He will, first, officially create it.
“This morning, the President of the United States has informed Congress of his intention to create, by the end of this year, the 51st State in the Union, the Administrative State.” Said Presidential senior advisor Stephen Miller, addressing a gathering on the Capitol steps. “Upon its creation, all Federal Bureaus and Agencies will be relocated within the state’s borders and all Federal employees will be required to move there as a condition of employment.”
A flurry of questions quickly ensued, which Miller silenced with a steely glare. “The President feels that the majority of the American people, those without his intellect or grasp of nuance, cannot possibly understand the size and scope of the Federal Bureaucracy. When it is all gathered in one place, the ordinary person will easily be able to see how redundant, confusing and pointless the offerings are. Same as visiting the cereal aisle at a grocery store, or listening to a top 40 station for an hour.”
Asked where the proposed state would be located, Miller replied. “The President is currently evaluating many options. At this point he is only certain of two things: It must be placed within an area of the country with enough available land area to accommodate the clutter and it must be a blue state.” When asked why, Miller responded, through audibly grinding teeth., “Because when they see all this government garbage dumped in their backyard, they’ll be more likely to vote to clean it up now, won’t they?”
When reminded of the political difficulties inherent in the plan, per article IV, section 3, of the U.S. Constitution, which requires consent of both congress and the legislature of the affected state, before creating a new state, Miller paused and a faint wisp of steam became visible emanating from his ears. “I am unaware of any reason the constitution should serve as a barrier to President Trump’s plans. It has certainly not been a factor in any of his other actions since taking office. His powers as President are considerable and shall not be questioned!”
Miller’s handlers then stepped in and dragged him away, referring further questions to the press office.
“I can assure you that this plan has been unusually well thought out and that the President himself has considered this issue for well over half an hour.” Press secretary Sean Spicer later stated. “Details are forthcoming, but you can rest assured that this new state, tentatively called either Buermont or Establichussets will be fully approved and functional by the time the residents are slated to arrive.”
Asked how the government intended to handle the sudden influx of the approximately 2.1 million civilian Federal employees affected, Spicer said. “Well, obviously, we are going to have to build some housing quickly. Fortunately the President knows a guy who builds really great hotels. The best hotels.”
Questioned on the efficacy of this plan, which is intended to dismantle the administrative state but which would, practically, give that state two votes in the Senate and proportional representation in the House, Spicer replied. “That will be dealt with in phase two of the President’s Plan, tentatively called the Nuclear option.”
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