In an attempt to show his compassionate side to the American people, President Donald J. Trump today expressed his sympathy with the hardworking taxpayers of America with a heartfelt message: “I can imagine your pain.”
“I recognize that today is a tough day for most Americans” Trump said, reading scripted remarks from a podium at his, hyper exclusive, Mar-a- Lago club. “A day when all the hardworking people of this country, the bedrock of this great society, the men and women who show up at work every day and give their all in pursuit of the, all important, American Dream, are cruelly forced to give back so much of their, dearly needed, income to the government in taxes. I want all of you to know, on this sad day, that I can imagine your pain.”
“If I really try hard to think about it,” Trump said, clearly warming to the task, “I can almost picture what it must be like to properly report all of your income, have it fairly assessed a progressive tax rate, and to write that painful check, so that the government can provide needed services to the American People. It must be a very difficult thing, I am sure.”
The President continued, a tear glistening in his eye, “So I just wanted to take some time out of my busy Twitter schedule, to thank you for doing your civic duty. Without people like you, the middle class American worker, those of us at the top would have to pay our fair share, and that is a situation too painful to even contemplate.”
“Without your willing sacrifice to fund the most vital functions of civil government, people like me would have to pick up the tab, or else face certain anarchy. Without you, I would have had to pay, out of my own pocket, the approximately $24 million dollars spent on my vacations over the first three months of my Presidency. And as I sit here, luxuriating in the sultry, rarefied air of this, my $200,000 per year of membership club, using my status as president to increase membership, thereby enriching myself and violating almost every ethics law ever conceived to protect the American people against corruption, I like to consider, ever so briefly, what it would be like if we had a truly fair and progressive system of taxation in this country. It would be a nightmare situation, I tell you, and one in which I, and those like me, would find ourselves ever so slightly less rich than we are at this moment.”
Trump turned suddenly solemn at this juncture. “Yes, ladies and gentlemen, were it not for the magnificent work done by corporate lobbyists and wealthy financiers to corrupt the functioning of our government over the preceding years, I might have found myself imperceptibly inconvenienced. But I don’t. So I must thank all the rich who came before me for this state of affairs but, much more than that, I must thank you, who came out and, in numbers not even approaching a majority, voted to make this inherent inequality even worse. Without you, I wouldn’t be in this position. Literally.”
“So on this day of national tragedy, let me assure you that your money will not go to waste. As President, I pledge to end all spending on unnecessary luxuries, like healthcare for the under served, public education, food for the hungry and protecting the environment for future generations and, instead, focus on the important stuff, like dropping large bombs on foreign countries, obstructing investigations into Russia, building border walls and keeping my wife away from the White House.”
Trump then finished his speech in soaring fashion. “There are those among you who claim that this arrangement isn’t fair and to them I simply say them that this is the way it has always been. This inequality is the founding principal of our great nation! This inequality is the engine of our Democracy! This inequality is what makes America Great and I vow, on this day, to make it even Greater! Thank you and God Bless the United States of America!”
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