By M.J. Frost, contributor
Millions of people worldwide, both believers and non-believers, breathed a collective sigh of relief as President Donald J. Trump’s visit with Pope Francis at the Vatican failed to trigger and of the predicted signs of the end times detailed in the Book of Revelation.
The critical exchanges between the two men, detailed by the media over the last year, had led even those of the strongest faith to nervously wonder if four men on horses might arrive in St. Peter’s Square along with the Trump entourage.
“We both agree we need to work toward peace,” Trump said. “We’ll finally get it when I bomb those bad dudes back to the Old Testament. Losers!”
Pope Francis pressed Trump to respect the environment and presented him with a copy of the Pope’s encyclical on the topic. He also urged the President not to withdraw the United States from the Paris Climate Accord. Trump responded that Paris was a “great, great city. And the French are a great people. Outstanding. I love the way they kiss.”
Eyebrows were raised by the outfits worn by Melania and Ivanka Trump. Both wore black dresses with long sleeves and both wore black veils on their heads. Although their clothing aligns with protocol for most women who visit with a Pope, the outfits led even some top Vatican official to mistakenly assume they had come for purposes of mourning.
“Considering what he has done to the credibility of America, it was an honest mistake,” said one Cardinal.
“No it wasn’t,” whispered Melania Trump.
The visit did provide some awkward moments. Reminding the Pope of last years statement that “those who build walls are not Christian,” Trump said, “I just went to the big wall in Jerusalem and you don’t see any problems with Mexicans sneaking in there. I’m just saying.”
Trump also angrily denied rumors that, instead of inserting a prayer into the Western Wall, he hid his tax returns.
Theologians now believe that what spared the world from a more apocalyptic incident was the notable absence of Steve Bannon, the Trump aide who is a Catholic but has publicly criticized the Pontiff as a socialist and Muslim sympathizer.
Bannon was said to have broken off from the Trump entourage early, angry that there would be no arms deal similar to the one procured in Saudi Arabia.
“So much for that ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ stuff,” Bannon was overheard saying. “I mean, how am I supposed to get Gog and Magog ready, if they are not properly equipped?”
Trump, meanwhile, told reporters for the blog Fascism, Faith and Family, that he was underwhelmed by the Pope’s modest living conditions.
“What kind of Pope lives minimally? Disgraceful! Selling himself short,” Trump said. “I, on the other hand, am like Saint Peter Gabriel. My heaven will be a big heaven and I will walk through the front door!”
He then stood in the middle of St. Peter’s Square, trying to prove his “Major devoutness and huge humility” by praying “Hail, Mary, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.”
When reminded by Vatican official that, according to the Gospel of St. Matthew, Jesus called out acts of outright hypocrisy, Trump responded by saying, “I always liked Luke better. He’s the one with the lightsaber, right?”
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